I choose to save myself for something better.

So… a very dear friend of mine broke the news to me today. 

He said, “Chanel… I asked her to marry me.”

I responded, “Oh yea?  What uhh… what did she say?”

He goes, “We are getting married in May and I want you to be there.”

No problem on my part.  The wedding is in England and to be perfectly honest, I am psyched about the trip.  But after discussing wedding details and romance, he asks me, “When are you going to settle down?”

Logically, I respond with hysterical laughter.  Marriage?? Me?? Whoa

It got me thinking about why I have issues with this “marriage” thing.

It stems from two of my friends.  Lets call them Sara and Shawn.  I met them when I was in high school and they had dated for years and years without any problems.  They had a beautiful child, moved in together, took trips, and portrayed a happy couple.  When they announced their marriage plans, no one was surprised.

A day before the wedding, for some strange reason, Shawn confided in me.  He said that he had cheated on Sara with her best-friend multiple times and he was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to stop after they were married.  -_-

He didn’t offer remorse for stepping out on his fiance/babymom multiple times, or that he had (as far as he claimed) seduced her best friend.  His concern?  How to STOP it after he took those vows.

As shook as I was at his confession, I unfortunately could not offer any advice whatsoever.  Hell if I knew what to tell him.

Then, the day of the wedding, Sara pulls me to the side.  She confides in me that she is 99% sure that her best friend had slept with her soon-to-be husband more than once.  (cue brain explosion) Her concern?  How she could ever trust him again and maintain this happy family that they had built together.

Again, I was unable to provide any rational advice.  So I held her train and watched my two friends take vows to love and cherish one another until death blah, blah, blah.  Smiling on the outside and shaking my head on the inside.  It was like they both subconsciously agreed that they were better off ignoring each others problems than moving on to someone else.  They preferred that false bliss.

This all reminded me of that movie, The Best Man.  Where Taye Diggs sleeps with Morris Chesnut’s fiance after Chesnut had cheated repeatedly.  After fighting and crying, he still marries his long-time love, forgiving her for her one indiscretion.  This movie, coupled with watching my friends in their soap opera led me to believe that this stuff happens all the time.

Here is what I don’t understand—> there seems to be this common belief that once a couple jumps over that broom… what ever issues they struggled with before, suddenly become easier if not non-existent.  “I’s married now!”- Shug Avery 

I dated a guy who talked about marrying me fairly often.  I was too chicken to express my feelings so I smiled and nodded.  When in actuality I thought, “I can’t imagine how a marriage between us would ever work… matter of fact, this isn’t really working for me”.  That was that.

I suppose Sara was more concerned with upholding this family that she had built with Shawn.  She was concerned for her child’s sake and what ever issues they had, she wanted to fix them.  But Shawn had proposed.  He had willingly offered to make these vows to her with full knowledge that honesty and being faithful were not his strong suits. *scratches head*

My father always reminds me, “One day, before I walk you down that aisle… I’m going to pull you aside and ask you if you are really sure… absolutely positive about marrying that man you’re with.  I will look into your eyes and I want you to be sure that your foundation for marriage is solid, not that you can build it up as you go along.  And if you tell me that you aren’t sure… then I will give you the keys to my car and I want you to run.  Go as far as you need to… and fuck everyone waiting in that church.  I’ll deal with them.  You MUST be certain”

He told me that his best man asked him this very same question before marriage and his response was, “No… I’m not sure.  We have some problems but I think we will iron them out as we go along”  One son and 7 years later… they were divorced and engaged in an ugly settlement battle.

It seems like people enter into marriage with full knowledge that their relationship is severely unhealthy.  I suppose no relationship is perfect but still… I can’t see myself settling.  I don’t want to compromise and accept that I might not get they “type” of relationship that I want.  I don’t want to brush everything under the rug and figure it all out later.  That’s why my expectations are so high.  I simply don’t have time for someone who isn’t worth perfecting “us” for the future.  I’m not perfect by any means but I damn sure try my best.  I try not to be the typical female who can’t accept criticism or expects her man to move mountains while she coasts through life.  I don’t want to get married because it’s expected of me. 

I don’t care if he drives a Porsche, treats me to expensive dinners, and lavish trips.  I want someone who lightens my load emotionally, not fiscally.  I think a couple should compliment each other.  A woman who is 100% sure of her existence, finds a man who is 100% sure of his existence and then… they create something together.  Something that doesn’t over shadow lives that they had before but acknowledges it and uses those experiences to care for one another. 

I can’t, in full conscience, say that I will never get married.  I simply don’t know the future.  I suppose I need some inspiration.  Something to make me believe that “love” or whatever can overcome all.  Regardless, I’m 22!!  Chill son.

“Sometimes… you have to be your own knight.” — I choose to save myself for something better.